This month started with confusion, loss and depression. I didn't know which way to go and was waiting in limbo for someone to tell me what to do. A overwhelm of sadness, worthlessness and self doubt consumed me. In effort to move forward I booked in with my beautiful Reiki therapist to help give me some relief and direction. What was supposed to be an hour session turned into 2.5 hours - she was calm, patient and sat with me as I released anything I could. With no comprehension of time I left feeling relieved of some of the heaviness I was carrying. She left me with.. "I am getting a really strong sense you need to meditate every day."
Ever the student, I complied and have meditated now 27 days in a row (28th will be tonight!) - which is unheard of for me. I struggle to be still and find comfort in being peaceful - it has always unsettled me and sent me into a state of panic - meditation is such a raw, vulnerable state where our bodies are allowed to fall back into their NATURAL state. All I've known since as young as 3 years old is to live in fear, anxiety and feel braced to protect myself and others. I have been programmed to believe the world is an unsafe place and I need to protect the people I love from it and from me. I have been programmed to believe I am the cause of the world falling apart around me and fear anyone I get close to will get hurt as a result. Consequently, this has built strong walls and developed 'coping' mechanisms consciously and unconsciously to protect.
I am feeling (more so, outside of my meditative state) calmer and more resilient to my destructive thoughts, behaviours and physical reactions. I have been more functional on a daily basis and can see more joy in my day and my future - even if that means alone. I believe love is out there when you are ready to receive it and able to allow the RIGHT energy into your aura. My past relationships have all been incredibly toxic and damaging to my self esteem and self worth. So I am currently working through the 7 days of self esteem meditations - I've bought beautiful art prints and quotes for my apartment to reinforce the idea of self love and respect. Compassion for ourselves is the hardest, yet most important thing we can offer.
January has been very much about self development and moving energy and energetic blocks. I've been to a Manifestation and self healing workshop, the Voices of Movement workshop, practiced daily meditation, weekly Yoga, I've lasered off a tattoo that no longer gave me joy and watched the Lunar eclipse as past memories that no longer served me burned before me....
So, you could say it's been quite a huge month of SHIFTING stale, negative and stagnant energy up and out! It's been incredibly challenging, emotional and terrifying at times - but work that needs to be done. I have met the most beautiful friends over the past few months who have been pivotal in this journey! They have supported my every breath and given me the opportunities and tools to explore how I am feeling and work through it rather than drowning myself in wine and tears, suppressing the hurt and putting on a brave face.
There have been days of course, where I wish I could just disappear but I let it out and try again the next day.. we all stumble and fall but it's those of us who keep getting back up and moving forward that are healthier on the other side. I am a long way from healed, but I am taking steps in a positive direction..
As the smoke of the last month dissipates into the glow of the moon...